Crumbs of solitude
We forget simple pleasures of a toast and coffee, switching off our phones and reading in bed. Well, until we are forced by circumstances.
While my family travels in scorching hot of Central Europe, our dogs hunt for bumblebees and ensure every inch of grass is duly stamped or rolled on, I am reflecting on recent moments of solitude. Wait, maybe moments of heightened attention? Or could it be the same thing?
***
I had a day procedure in a clinic. Nothing too serious.
It took some preparations. Slowing down considerably. Being quite vulnerable, simply submitting to the process. Drowsy from sedation. Snoozing and waking up. Dreaming about some elaborate rock or cloth textures (who knew?).
My email was off. My phone was away.
It felt great. I nearly didn't want to leave.
***
A month later. Another procedure. A few stitches and some forced rest. Nothing too serious, again. But I cannot be my usual, relentless, always in-motion self. I am then noticing how the house is eerily quiet. The lack of sounds nearly becomes a sound in itself. I could hear a crumble falling off the kitchen counter and hitting the tile. Thankfully, I am too fatigued to deal with the crumbs.
For now, I have a high stack of unread books and graphic novels at my nightstand. Nerdy equivalent of a wardrobe full of brand-new clothes with labels still on?
***
I grab first two volumes of 'The Walking Dead', an original graphic novel that gave life to AMC's streaming series. It sparked an entire fandom, fueled a zombie multi-media universe. Zombies, however, are the least essential element. Human beings are.
It is the human character, choices we are making to survive, lengths and depths we go while facing extreme circumstances. It is how we set and protect our baseline values. Walk the thin line of not becoming what we are fighting against. Sometimes take things for granted, just to realize they only exist in memories. Stories told for generations, getting bleaker every time.
The solitude helps us notice, the absence helps us see what we are truly longing for. 'Because survival is insufficient'. Because we yearn for meaning.
***
I am watching 'Severance'. A fascinating, oppressive dream played in slow motion. A person wakes one day on a conference room table only to discover that their 'innie', a version of a person at work, has no awareness, memory or even the feintest hunch of who they really are outside of corporate job. Nine to five, their 'work is mysterious and important'. Even though it looks like mundane clicking through numbers on the screen and sorting them into boxes.
Well, in the world of tomorrow this is a movie about algorithms. They would not need a melon bar or MDE (Music & Dance Experience) though...
The 'outie' usually has a reason to 'sever' a large part of their waking life to quasi-oblivion. Whether it's an emotional trauma, insatiable desire, general messiness or mischievous intent, innie and outie merely share the same body, but their longings are kept apart.
It is when both sides of this solitude equation yearn for integration, things begin to speed up.
***
I let my imagination run wild for a while. Imagine I had my procedure; I wake up in an empty hospital room and... the world outside has changed beyond comprehension. Impossible? How often do you wake up and wish that some overnight events have never happened?
Imagine I spend parts of my life severed from important part of what makes me, me. Childhood memory I cannot see clearly. Giving up passions to better fit in. Talking from the script, forgetting the footnotes. Not even noticing.
Sometimes this is why we need crumbs of solitude.
Meanwhile, jasmine tea is steaming by a rocking chair. Rhubarb & ginger cake just fresh from the oven. Another movie in my virtual queue awaits me tonight - I will be helping save the planet. Again.
I just have to last a few more days.
