Head down
I don't believe in signs. Moments when a message from otherworld lands. Much more so, the transcendence comes from within. A pinch of clarity when a few dots suddenly connect. Visceral 'a-ha!'. A punch in the gut.
At times, life will just show me.
DO. Recently, I found myself using the hamster wheel analogy more often. The business is restless, rarely stops for a nanosecond and then just springs into motion. Repetitions of daily routines for weeks on end converge into a single blurred stream - and suddenly it's end of December.
One morning I took a detour. I felt I need to hit pause. Change the pattern ever so slightly. So, I passed by my office and drove for another few mins. I left the car by the Killiney Beach and took a stroll along the shore.
The sea was far from calm. Gusts of strong wind squeezed tears from my eyes. Thankfully, my puff jacket had pockets to hide my hands from stings of cold. A woolen hat pulled down to line up with my eyebrows kept my head warm. The humming of the sea blocking rare sounds of a group of cold plungers or a couple walking their dogs. Just me and my thoughts.
Waves coming onshore soaked the sand under a layer of small stones. Walking on rocky surface is hard enough in dry season - I even made a mistake once of going on a run on that beach! - and with spongy base layer every step felt like a challenge. I kept on walking though until I nearly made it to Shankill, a couple of miles out. I turned back to return to my car and wind changed direction, again.
Halfway back, I stopped and noticed. I had come here to breathe air and look at the sea. Instead, most of the way I was just watching right under my feet, head down, buried under the hood and hunched shoulders. The sea was just in my periphery view, but the effort and wind made me mostly look away.
Then I really stopped. Stood up straight. Turned to face the waves. Took some deep breaths. Felt so much better.
The inner-world message has landed. It is so easy to keep one's head down and miss what one is here for.
THINK. Many of us strive for balance. Work and private life. Control and letting go. Duties and pleasures. My needs and the needs of others. Often it feels like a few datapoints are missing to solve that set of equations.
Is ambiguity an irreducible state of human nature? We live our lives everyday bouncing between experiences, in search of flow. We ride it for a while and get knocked over. Trip over a tree root, slide on a slippery surface, stop and catch our breath. And then start again.
All over again.
It is easy to lose momentum and faith. Become overwhelmed. But it is the very strive for agency that keeps us going. Just like one of my son's Marvel superheroes, getting a crushing body shot, picking himself up with a grin and saying 'I can do this all day'.
FEEL. This is a very emotional time for me. First Christmas without my mother. Three years ever since we moved to Ireland, still seeking ways to live somewhat in-between. Two official teenagers at home. High hopes for 2026.
Not a fan of new year's resolutions, I do believe in hope. And since one's hope can be supercharged by others, I am optimistic. Ready to face the waves.
