Hero’s journey
A hero's journey home is one of the most exploited themes in culture. From Odyseus to Bilbo Baggins and beyond, we witness acts of courage that help uncover emotional and moral backbone. Heroes are transforming in front of our eyes and return forever changed. My journey of balancing thoughts, feelings and actions is never finished though. And that's okay.
Also, it took me forever to write, delete, rewrite, edit out and distill the 'feeling' part today. You will understand why. I am terrified to hit the 'post' button.
THINK. I find body language fascinating. Raised in an environment that spoke little about expressing oneself, I am a late bloomer in noticing and applying cues in a conscious manner. Most of the time until my mid-thirties I felt there was something in behavior of others that escaped me. Even worse, my own superpowers were buried under layers of social shame, complacency, and awkwardness.
Vanessa Van Edwards is a renowned expert in the area. I recently devoured her book 'Cues' and could not recommend it more. Whether you feel you are an expert, or have no clue where to even start, 'Cues' are likely to address one's blind spots, equip with techniques one can use today or tomorrow. As usual, it starts from dialing up self-reflection, paying attention to self and others, and giving it a try, one cue at a time.
Here is a few I found inspiring:
Increase your confidence by relaxing your shoulders, standing an inch wider than usual and keeping your arms at your sides at a little distance to your body, palms open. You would be surprised of the feeling of calm it creates!
Voice fry. If you ever start talking and you feel your voice is cracking, you can't catch breath between sentences (happens to me at times!), consciously slow down, take a breath (pause) and speak a little louder.
Rested bothered face. Pay attention what is your rested face communicating, especially if you are aware it might be read as sad, tired or disinterested (for no other reason that how it actually looks!). Be mindful of that impact and watch yourself (even a little screen on the video).
When preparing a slide deck and presentation narrative, adjust your cues to the audience and perception you aim to create: more warmth, or more competence. Now I know why I instinctively used some funny quizzes to relay some tough financial insights to my business partners!
Conscious use of cues is a walk on a thin line. When it feels like picking random items from a menu to throw at one's counterparty in a video game to test the outcome, it is already too much. When we cringe, freeze, feel uneasy - same thing. It only works when it is authentic. When we amplify the sentiment we either way have.
FEEL. Earlier this spring, my mother has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer.
Where do you even go from there? Like many people dealing with such situation, I too needed to find my way through anger, anxiety and sadness. Reconciling certain powerlessness with innate constructive drive does not come easy. Neither does trying to help from another country. Let alone the fright of not knowing how many more conversations are left.
Is there anything remotely positive to be found, one might wonder. Well, for starters, the liminal nature of this illness puts everything in a right perspective. We can often get so set in our ways of thinking of others that we barely notice when behaviors change. The past overweighs the present, and in turn impedes the future. But when the future is so frail, the weight feels like gravity on the moon (six times lighter).
Second, another human being is a complex universe. As much as we cannot trade places, we cannot truly share the exact same emotion, seeking the best-intended understanding does miracles. The path leads through self-awareness, kindness, and compassion.
Finally, the most complicated things are actually simpler than we think. A bid for connection. Common memory. A hug. Simple.
DO. Dalkey Book Festival is one of my favorite events of the year. This is not even a day, but weekend of discovery. I always end up with a backpack full of new books signed by their authors, pages of notes and a range of powerful observations. While I still might release a full account to be published here, I wanted to inspire you all with these three.
1. Creative writing. Some authors can only see out a few yards out: the story unfolds, some characters arrive, and ending crystalizes. At the same time, an author can spend months thinking about the opening sentence. It is all part of the process, and everybody can have their own (Cauvery Madhavan, author of 'The Inheritance')
2. What if there was a standardized empathy test, and every member of the community would be required to take it? What if people fail? Should they be 'rehabilitated' or left outside the boundary? Does good of the community overweigh individual's right to be who they are? (Frida Isberg, author of 'The Mark').
3. Are we inventing worlds of fiction to avoid confronting the one we are living in? Nothing is great or little other than by comparison - but when people disengage and withdraw, cynicism can give way to extremism. (Fintan O'Toole, author of 'We Don't Know Ourselves').
Sitting in the sessions, I could not help but be amazed how literature finds its way to people. Even in the world dominated by algorithmic social media snippets, there is room for deep thought, reflection, and imagination. Same as the flower growing on a stone wall of Dalkey village burial grounds. Same as a cycle of life.
