Soaked
It is hard to go on as if not much has happened. But it is okay to allow oneself to feel a little lost. An emotional journey is like standing at the bottom of the waterfall. If the flow is weak and steady, it is easier to stand aside and just watch. When the stream moves with force, it is hard not to get soaked.
THINK. I am fascinated by patterns of behaviour. Where is our primary response to conflict situations coming from? What fuels self-worth? Is to confront better than to avoid?
We are often caught in trade-offs. On one hand, consumption-focused culture tests our ability to delay gratification, as opposed to an instant dopamine hit. Many business models today aim to tilt the scales, especially that the window of ’15 minutes of fame’ now seems to have shortened to 15 seconds, at most. On the other hand, we can also delay distress. Avoiding confrontation and pretending that things are just fine is helping lock the uncomfortable in a little drawer. The danger is that this drawer will burst open at some point, and we will be left with splinters all over our palms.
I am reflecting on my own history of dealing with conflict situations. The most difficult bit was not to take it personally. I understand now why, given my childhood background, I struggled to separate the situation from the human being handling the situation. Awareness surely makes it somewhat easier, but it is still hard work. But since keeping a lid on own emotions is only delaying distress, I decided to open my conflict drawer a little more.
FEEL. I feel I am in a handful of in-between spaces. My emotions pivot between past and future. 300-page-long memoires we discovered after my mother’s passing is a pathway into a vivid spectrum of events, from cheerful to dark, and back. The future is marked with worries about my father’s ability to adjust and carry on living. The present is mixed, between highs and lows. Life is not without a sense of irony, it seems.
DO. I have recently given myself a gentle nudge to truly put my action where my mouth is. Reflecting on how much I truly prioritize myself (as opposed to serving others), and how often I say ‘yes’ when I should say ‘no’, I decided to apply some changes in how I allocate my time. I also intend to embrace every bit of coaching I am now beginning to receive, courtesy of my company and a leadership excellence academy I was offered.
On the private side, I spent most of last weekend in imaginary worlds. A role-playing adventure I have been putting a group of my friends through since a year already was likely to come to a grand finale… but it didn’t, again. Not a problem at all, the fun would continue. Also, one of my favorite events, Comics & Games Festival, was on all weekend – and I brought empty bag to fill it with new inspiring issues of graphic novels. At long last, I spent entire day simply browsing new publications, talking to authors, embracing the spirit of that community. Finally, on Saturday night my home city of Lodz turned into an arena for lights, music and visual arts. Awe, amazement and creativity. Kind of my thing!
